Operation: Good Boy - Basic Training Protocols for Your New Canine Recruit

ATTENTION NEW DRILL SERGEANTS!

At ease, Handler.

You’ve done it. You’ve gone behind enemy lines (the local shelter or breeder) and secured a high-value target: a new puppy.

Look at that recruit. Fuzzy. Wobbly. Eyes big as saucers and breath smelling faintly of milk and chaos. Do not be deceived by the cuteness. That, soldier, is a psychological warfare tactic designed to lower your defenses before they chew through your drywall.

Currently, this recruit is undisciplined, lacks situational awareness, and has zero respect for the chain of command (that’s you at the top, by the way).

Your mission, should you choose to accept it (and you already signed the adoption papers, so you have), is to transform this raw, ankle-biting civilian into a disciplined, elite canine unit.

Welcome to Puppy Boot Camp. Here are your standing orders for week one.

Phase 1: Securing the Perimeter (The Crate)

Your new recruit needs a barracks. A secure location where they can power down without engaging in unauthorized destruction of government property (your shoes).

Civilians call this a "crate." We call it the Tactical Rest Zone (TRZ).

Do not use the TRZ as a brig. The recruit should not fear the barracks. Make it comfortable. Throw a blanket over the top to simulate a secure foxhole. When the recruit voluntarily enters the TRZ, offer verbal praise: "Outstanding performance, recruit!"

If they cry during lights out, maintain discipline. Do not engage. Responding to whining only teaches them that sonic warfare works.

Phase 2: Waste Deployment Operations (Housebreaking)

This is the battlefield where most handlers wash out. The recruit currently believes the entire world is their latrine. You must correct this intelligence failure immediately.

Your strategy is constant surveillance and scheduled sorties.

• 0600 Hours: Wake up. Immediately transport recruit to the designated outdoor waste deployment zone (the backyard grass).

• Post-Chow Hall: Ten to fifteen minutes after intake of rations, the recruit will need to deploy waste. Transport immediately.

• Mid-Operation: If the recruit stops playing, sniffs the ground rapidly, and begins to circle like a pilot looking for a landing strip, you have a Code Brown imminent. Move! Move! Move!

When the recruit successfully deploys waste outside, throw a ticker-tape parade. High praise. You want them to think pooping on grass is equivalent to winning the Medal of Honor.

Phase 3: Basic Tactical Maneuvers (Sit, Come, Stay)

A soldier who cannot follow orders is a liability in the field. You need to install basic operating software.

The "Sit" (Tactical Pause): Take a ration (treat) and hold it above the recruit's nose, moving it slowly backward over their head. As their nose goes up, their rear chassis will naturally lower to the deck. The moment their butt hits the floor, say "Sit," give the ration, and offer praise. Repeat until muscle memory is established.

The "Come" (Recall Order): This is vital for mission safety. Never use this command to call the recruit for something unpleasant (like a bath). The Recall Order must always mean "Something amazing is about to happen at my location."

The Currency of Compliance:

Look, Handler, you can shout orders until you're blue in the face, but raw recruits don't work for free. They need motivation to complete these drills. Standard kibble rations won't cut it when you're demanding high-level focus in distracting environments.

You need high-value tactical payloads. You need something small, smelly, and highly desirable to incentivize rapid obedience.

For our operations, we highly recommend stocking your ammo pouch with Zuke's Mini Naturals Training Dog Treats.

These units are small enough that you can rapid-fire them during intensive drill sessions without filling the recruit up, but tasty enough that they will ignore a passing squirrel just to acquire one. They are essential gear for reinforcing the chain of command.

Debriefing

Listen, the first few weeks of boot camp are hell. You will be sleep-deprived. There will be unauthorized puddles in the mess hall. Your favorite slippers may become casualties of war.

But stay the course, Handler. Maintain consistency. Firm boundaries, high praise for good execution, and the right tactical rewards will turn that chaotic fuzzball into the best soldier you’ve ever served alongside.

Dismissed! Now go take the recruit outside; they look like they have to pee.